Christmas is cancelled.
by Lateo
Summary: or How the author got her muse ( Part three is new)
1. Santa

I have had writer's block for the longest time and this was the only thing I could think of writing. I think it's kind of funny I hope you do to.  
I haven't run this by my beta so all bad spelling is my own fault (English is not my first language so no flames about my spelling)  
Disclaimer: I do not own Santa. Not yet, but someday vengeance will be mine.   
  
  
  
Christmas is cancelled or How the author got her muse.   
  
  
  
Santa was usually a jolly man, but as he sat there, tied to my favourite chair his round cheeks were pale and his eyes had lost their spark. When he saw me approach he started sweating.   
  
He knew I was not pleased with him.  
  
  
Santa: You…you know someone will notice that I am missing. And… and…they will not let you get away with this!  
  
Author: I thought we had a deal.  
  
Santa: But you threatened…  
  
Author: Did or didn't we have a deal?  
  
Santa:…  
  
Author: That's what I thought. Now last time we talked, we agreed that I was to receive a Wolverine muse.  
  
Santa: No, you said you wanted Hugh Jackman delivered to your door nude and covered in baby oil.  
  
Author: Are you calling me a liar!  
  
Santa: NO! No perhaps I just misunderstood you.  
  
Author: Good. I want a Wolverine muse; he has to be tall because I like tall men.  
  
Santa: But Wolverine is short. All the comics say so.  
  
Author: I don't care what all the comics say! This is MY fantasy and I want a tall Wolverine.   
  
  
Santa gave me a look of despair and once again tried to struggle against the ropes.  
  
  
Santa: Do you realise what you're asking for? I got millions of letters from people, everyone wants a Wolverine muse. Several of the elves have had nervous breakdowns; my chef elf Puzzelhoney had to get stitches because one of the Wolverine muses got loose.   
  
Author: Well, you should just have given him some cigars.  
  
Santa: What is it with you and cigars! Since the whole Monica Lewinsky affair you have been obsessed!  
  
Author: Have not!  
  
Santa: Have too!  
  
Author: No, I just couldn't figure it out in the beginning because…I mean, tobacco falls apart when it gets wet and that's a sensitive area, you know, and then with nicotine and stuff…But then I realised that they didn't unwrap it.  
  
Santa: You are so stupid.  
  
Author: Fuck you! I don't smoke cigars. I didn't know some of them come wrapped in plastic.  
  
Santa: You shouldn't have researched the matter.  
  
Author: Why not, I am an adult…stop struggling you are not getting loose until I get my muse.  
  
Santa: Look, how about I get you a Xavier muse, we have plenty of those.  
  
Author: A Xavier muse? What the hell is I supposed to do with that.  
  
Santa: Scull fucking?  
  
Author: I will pretend I didn't hear you say that.  
  
Santa: But a Wolverine muse is bad for you! Your not studying enough as it is.  
  
Author: Look you KGB –Mother- Making-A-List-Tjekking-It-Twice-Fucker. I.WANT.WOLVIE!  
  
Santa: NO!  
  
Author: Look, do you want me to show Mrs. Clause the pictures of you and a certain reindeer?  
  
Santa: You wouldn't.  
  
Author: Wouldn't I?  
  
  
Santa's face turned purple and he started shouting.  
  
  
Santa: Why don't you leave me alone! You don't even believe in me! You never did!  
  
Author: Just because my parents didn't brainwash me as a child, doesn't mean I can't put you to got use.  
  
  
*Knock, Knock*  
  
  
A small elf was at the door. He had stress lines around the eyes and his arm was bandaged. It was Puzzelhoney.  
  
  
Puzzelhoney: Hmmm…Halloo misses, I was wondering if Santa was inhere?  
  
Author: Yes he is. But he's kind of tied up in the moment.  
  
Puzzelhoney: Yes I see. He asked me to deliver a muse to you.  
  
Author: Well its about time.  
  
Puzzelhoney: Sorry if I am a bit late but I had some problems with the sled.  
  
Author. I am just relived he is finally here I have had writers block for a long time.  
  
  
Puzzelhoney untied Santa and they ran out the door. I should have suspected that something was wrong but I was to busy unwrapping the muse. I heard bells as the sled flew away.  
  
Finally I unwrapped the last piece of paper.   
  
  
Author: WHAT! Santa you Son of A…  
  
Jean Muse: You know you really shouldn't swear.  
  
Author: THIS MEANS WAR!  
  
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So what did you think of it? Please review it.  
  
  



	2. The Nightmare Continues

The Nightmare continues.  
  
  
I had had the Jean Muse for 24 hours and she was getting to me. Thoughts of it being sweet that Wolverine had a crush on Jean and attempting to write smut fic about them would pup up in my head.  
I knew I had to find Santa and find him soon.  
  
  
Jean Muse: What are you doing?   
  
Author: Shut up.  
  
Jean Muse: Are you still on the Internet. It's been two hours.  
  
Author: Look it's my money isn't it.  
  
Jean Muse: But the weather is lovely, the sun is shining, you should take a walk in the woods.  
  
Author: No.  
  
Jean Muse: Its healthy.  
  
Author: I don't like nature. If I did I wouldn't live in the middle of the city. Now go away.  
  
Jean Muse: Who's this "Red Menace" they keep mentioning in the comment room you visit?  
  
Author: It's…hmmm…Go away.  
  
*Ring Ring*  
  
Jean Muse: Halloo, No Lateo can come to the phone, she's reading erotic X-Men fanfiction.  
  
  
Author, spitting half-chewed M&Ms over her keyboard runs to the phone.  
  
  
Author: Hey Mom.  
No that was just a friend of mine from school.  
She´s helping me study for my exam.   
Noooo, She was just kidding. I would never do that. I don't even like the idea of Snow-   
White living alone in a house with seven dwarfs. Disney are such perverts.  
Ok Mom, Buy buy.  
  
Jean Muse: You have an exam coming? Why haven't I seen you study for it?  
  
Author: I have been busy.  
  
Jean Muse: But all you do is surf the net for new fanfic.  
  
Author: So  
  
Jean Muse: Shouldn't you start studying?  
  
Author: Go away.  
  
Jean Muse: Why do you have so many canes of whipped cream in the fridge?  
  
Author: *Sigh* Didn't I tell you to go away – I wanted to be prepared for my Wolverine muse.  
  
Jean Muse: I don't get it.  
  
Author: That's why you're with Scott.  
  
  
Later that Night.  
  
  
The elf was scruffy looking, his hat was missing several bells and he smelled of old urine. His name was Swanky the unhappy elf. We kept our distance.  
  
Swanky: I thought I told you to come alone.  
  
Author: I wanted to but thanks to your boss I am stuck with her.  
  
Jean Muse: Hi! I'm a Jean Muse.  
  
Author and Swanky: SHUT UP!  
  
Swanky: Did you bring it?  
  
Author: Yeah and I don't want to know what you plan on doing with it.  
  
Swanky: Just give it to me!  
  
Author: You want it?  
  
Swanky: I Need It Baby!  
  
I gave him the inflatable Barney and the plastic flamingo and got the location of Santa's secret hideout. He started walking away.  
  
Author: HEY SWANKY! Why did you decide to help me!  
  
The look in his eyes made me tremble, it was the look of an elf driven too far. It was the look of an elf, which had been to hell and back.  
  
Swanky: I was always a good elf. I always followed orders and did what Santa told me.   
  
Author: What happened to you?  
  
Swanky just gave my Jean Muse a look and trembled.  
  
Author: He didn't…  
  
Swanky: There were 23 of them, they made me eat healthy food and take long nature walks.  
  
  
I held him while he wept, it just made me more determent to find Santa and get my revenge.  
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~ I know its silly but Please review it.  
  



	3. How to ruin Star trek for a Fan.

Authors note: Actually I like Star Trek, I say bad things about it here, but only to annoy my Jean Muse.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. I only own a Jean Muse and she won't go away. Help!  
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How to ruin Star Trek for a fan.  
  
  
  
I had discovered that my Jean Muse was unfamiliar with the television. To my great relief I could place her in front of it and get a couple of hours of peace and quiet. Her favourite show was Star Trek.   
  
  
Author: What are you watching?  
  
Jean Muse: Star Trek.  
  
Author: You like that, huh?  
  
Jean Muse: Yes its very science oriented and it isn't filled with sex.  
  
Author: Who's that?  
  
Jean Muse: That's Captain Picard.  
  
Author: He looks like Professor X.  
  
Jean Muse: Yeah I guess he does.  
  
Author: I thought you said it wasn't filled with sex.  
  
Jean Muse: It isn't  
  
Author: It is.  
  
Jean Muse: What do you mean?  
  
Author: Well, look at their uniforms.  
  
Jean Muse: What about them?  
  
Author: Well their Federation uniforms are so tight that all the men are walking around with a testicle on each thigh and…  
  
  
This statement seemed to upset my Jean Muse. She changed the channel and a Sean Connery movie came on.  
  
  
Jean Muse: Wow he's still handsome for and old man.  
  
Author: Yeah I guess so.  
  
Jean Muse: But I read in a magazine that he said it was ok to hit your wife.  
  
Author: Oh.  
  
Jean Muse: Well it doesn't matter what's the chance that one of us meet Sean Connery.  
  
Author: What's the chance one of us is going to be hit by him.  
  
  
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Silly Silly I know, but please review it anyway.   
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Santa´s House

In this part I make fun of original characters, this doesn't mean that I think ALL original characters or stupid, many are excellent and I even made one up once. But you have to admit that sometimes their just hellish Mary Sues.  
  
  
Santa's House   
  
  
Tonight was the night I would get my Wolverine muse. I intended to break into Santa's house and steal one. But first I had to prepare.  
  
  
Jean Muse: What are you doing?  
  
Author: I am shaving my legs.  
  
Jean Muse: You have hair growing on your legs?  
  
Author: Yes, in the real world women have body hair. Now get the hell out of my bathroom.  
  
Jean Muse: Why are the walls so ugly inhere.  
  
Author: Because my landlord is a cheep bastard.  
  
Jean Muse: Why don't you talk to him about it.  
  
Author: Gee, now why didn't I think of that.  
  
Jean muse: Your being sarcastic…right?  
  
Author: Yes, now go away.  
  
Jean Muse: But…  
  
Author: When I get my Wolverine Muse I intend to have him deal with the landlord. Now, Go away.  
  
  
Later that night.  
  
  
Santa's house was painted in bright colours, but it didn't fool me. I know his little game. I and the Jean Muse broke in. The first room we came upon was filled with original fanfic characters.  
  
  
Author: Damn, wrong room.  
  
Original character: Hallo, I am Amathyst Starshining Moonchild and my power is that I shot claws from my knuckles. You see, I was once experimented on and lost contact with a mysterious stranger with dark pointy hair and…   
  
2 Original character: Hi, I am Klox Smith. Klox is short for Kloxiannamerethesusannah.  
  
Author: Come one Jean Muse, let's get out of here before they surround us.  
  
We went through the next door and found ourselves in a big round room. The sign on the door said "Warning – Do Not mix with Jean Muses. I ignored it and went inside.  
  
Jean Muse: Scott.  
  
Scott Muse: Jean  
  
Author: Wow, Look at all those Scott Muses. Jean Muse-Make them take their shirts off.  
  
Jean Muse: No  
  
Author: Ok, Be that way, stay here while I find Wolvie.  
  
Jean Muse: You are coming back, aren't you?  
  
Author: Sure.  
  
That was the last I saw of the Jean Muse. I went into the next room and just about fainted. It was filled with Wolverine Muses, in all shapes and sizes, some were Movieverse some were comicvers, all were bare chested. All were sexy.  
  
Wolverine Muse: Hallo Darling.  
  
Author: Mmm…Blush…Giggle…Hi.  
  
Wolverine Muse: Can I be your muse?  
  
2 Wolverine Muse: Fuck off Bub, she's picking me.  
  
Wolverine muse: That's it, in a minute you're gonna be in a world of hurt.  
  
Author: No,no there´s no need to fight. How about you both come home with me.  
  
  
The other Wolverine Muses started complaining. They didn´t want to be left behind.  
  
Author: Listen, SHUT UP, now here's a list of all the people who have ever reviewed my fanfiction. Pick one each and go stay with them.  
  
The Wolverine Muses each looked at the list and went on their way. I took on Wolverine on each arm and went home. I would just have to deal with Santa another time  
  
  
The End.  
  
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